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Friday, September 28

Bachelor like me

Bachelor

1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.


2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.


3. A man who never makes the same mistake once.


4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her
alimony.


5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the
happiness of pursuit.


6. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Dr Phil - top 10

Careful !!!!!!

Monday, September 24

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIET

Happiest of Birthdays
More Comments at pYzam.com





HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIET

Your Birthdate: September 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.
A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.
You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.
You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.

Your strength: Your devotion

Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness

Your power color: Lilac

Your power symbol: Heart

Your power month: June

Sunday, September 23

TOO FUNNY






Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.





Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.





How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"





I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I
HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."





Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?







Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it.......... .......
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.





Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"



And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Monkeys invading Shiners League

My head

Police Quotes

Police Quotes

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document"

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess t hat means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Sheriff is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here

Friday, September 21

Ljveen jokes

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

MARY PRAYER

Herbal Elements

Maxine is back

the Carpenters and Karen in the drumms

How to stay young..

How To Stay Young"
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
Age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about
Them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
Down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those
Grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,
Crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get
Idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
Devil's' name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
For breath. And if you have a friend who makes you
Laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is
Ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
Whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
You can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
Even to the next county, to a foreign country, but
NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
Every opportunity.

Thursday, September 20

Men in Black - for Smallalien




Ten Rules For Being Human

clipped from www.bluinc.com
You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's
yours to keep for the entire period.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time
informal school called, "life."

There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be
presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you
have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end.
"There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has
become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again
look better than "here."
Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate
something about another person unless it reflects to you something you
love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools
and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice
is yours.

Your answers lie within you.
All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
You will forget all this.
advice

Monday, September 17

Thoughts

Thoughts of a man.....

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a
good memory. I am not able to remember, what I
chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the
condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Everytime you ask for sex,
she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are
offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they
are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next
to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri
Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't
have a good partner, you'd better have a good
hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the
dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to
sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the
whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and
she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in
a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your
troubles to bed", many men still sleep with
their wives !!!

Friday, September 14

Coffee time for Gina and Ljveen

Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.


A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!


Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.


When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.


They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."


They don't say, "Hurry up."


Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.


They wear glasses and funny underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums out.


Grandparents don't have to be smart.


They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".


When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''


GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!


It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."



Tuesday, September 4

President in 2008

PRESIDENT IN 2008?


For those of you who would like a choice for President, we have a solution: It is probably time we have a highly qualified woman as President. One choice is a very special lady who has the answers to all our problems.
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!


Very eloquently put ... don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety". "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".. .

Maxine on "Housework"
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man"
"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"
"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

Indian Beatles

Farts


All About Farts.Remember we all do it some time or another!


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A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketA fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

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A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......



A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.



But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget......
Sweet old farts like me and you!


Monday, September 3

Happy birthday Notsweet


Free Comments and Graphics at pYzam.com

Your Birthdate: September 3

You are more than a big ball of energy - you are a big ball of hyper.
You are always on the go, but you don't have a type a personality.
Instead of channeling your energy into work, you instead go for fun and adventure.
Witty and verbal, you can have an interesting conversation with anyone.

Your strength: Your larger than life imagination

Your weakness: You tend to be pretty scattered

Your power color: Lime

Your power symbol: Lightening bolt

Your power month: March

Need 1 more for Pool - Benny Hill

chocolates? Notsweet

Wonderful world


Lunch time

Wild life ------ great video

::

Shiners Editors